Leadership is Not About Being Liked
Author: Nicky J. Davies |
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Categories: Business Fast Track
Leadership is not about being liked, or being popular and accepted by everyone.
If you are trying to please everyone, you’re quickly going to find out it’s just not possible. And the one person this is going to hurt the most, is you.
Steve Jobs wasn’t particularly popular as a leader in Apple, but he understood that the best ideas needed to win and knew he didn’t always have the answers so he was willing to listen, and listen carefully and intently. He may not have been particularly well liked, but he was respected and valued as a leader.
Being ‘nice’ is not a value, but being kind is. You can be kind and treat people with respect without the artificial ‘niceness’ of talking a little too carefully just in case you offend. Sometimes being firm and direct is needed, but you can still do this in a way that is respectful.
The second point I want to raise relates to owning what irritates us about others. You know, that one thing, or maybe a couple of things that that person does when you’re in a conversation with them that you find so frustrating.
Carl Jung, the Swiss founder of Analytical Psychology, said that “everything that irritates us about others can actually lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
Or, put another way, the things that irritate us about others behaviours are things that we do too, maybe in a different form, but we choose to disown them. Probably because we have been judged harshly for these behaviours at some point in our life or been told that is not an acceptable way to behave.
Let me give you an example. I was talking with my husband last night and he started asking me very detailed questions, and I clearly was not answering the questions in the way he wanted. This led to him repeatedly cutting my answers short by talking over me, and asking me yet another question.
At this point I got very frustrated and stopped answering his questions. I then started to tell him how infuriating it is when he talks over me, asking me a question and then not allowing me to complete my answer. And guess what happened – I found myself making this point repeatedly in different ways, AND talking over HIM. The very thing I had got frustrated about right at the start, I was now doing. Once I realised this, I laughed out loud! It took the sting out of the communication and we were able to start over again on a much better footing.
The moral of this story?
Own and learn to love the behaviours that irritate you! They truly are a part of your whole.
Now, a word or two about charisma which is often associated with great leaders.
The English term charisma is from the Greek χάρισμα ( khárisma ), which means "favour freely given" or a "gift of grace", of divine assistance.
More modern definitions refer to a special magnetic charm or appeal often linked to leadership, encouraging popular loyalty or enthusiasm from others.
What’s interesting to note is how charismatic leaders communicate with others, because it is the way in which they communicate that moves us.
Yes, it does need to be truly authentic and delivered in a way that doesn’t lord it over us – we see them as one of us, they see themselves as one of us too. They often talk in terms of why first. The reason, the purpose first. But there’s more to it than that.
You see we all have a set of priorities in our lives, things that are important to us, our values. And these vary greatly from one person to another.
What these charismatic communicators do in their communications, is talk to us in the language of our values. They really tap into what’s important to us, it feels like they really ‘get’ us, really understand us, our lives and what’s important to us. From this point they can relate what the organisational vision is, the goal and how it relates not to their goals and aspirations, but to ours. And in so doing, seem to have a kind of special magnetic charm about them.
Early on in my career I worked closely with a very charismatic CEO. He seemed to be able to charm even those who flagrantly disagreed with the direction he was suggesting. And the reason he could do that was because he took the time to find out what was really important to them, and communicate in these terms, aligning their values and aspirations with the direction he wanted to move forward. Did it always work, no, but it did more often than not.
So, find a way to communicate in terms of other people’s values or aspirations. It really does make a difference. And in those moments of frustration with a colleague’s behaviour, remind yourself of when and where you have done that very same behaviour – own it and move on!
If you would like to learn more about my Developing Inspired Leaders Programme, books a call and we can talk about it: https://meetme.so/NickyDavies